Every week, I hate myself a little bit more for giving this show an extra view – sometimes even two. I’m not sure how this works, but I feel like if my phone is listening to my conversations, then my TV is definitely keeping track of what I’m watching. I really hate to contribute to the continuation of this show; but, alas, the cast has really taken the story lines to another level – that which can not even be topped by the most insane daytime soap opera (take that, evil Stephano Damira). You can’t make this stuff up. And, for that, you have now earned my weekly view, Southern Charm New Orleans. Thanks for embarrassing yourselves.
On Southern Charm New Orleans (Suburbs), we start in Lakeview at Reagan’s new Cheesecake Factory House, where Tamica and Friend Rachel are over to catch up. Reagan, officially the worst pregnancy secret-keeper ever, serves things she can’t consume as a pregnant person – like soft cheeses and cocktails – for her guests, further prompting Tamica to speculate that she is with child. Tamica 2.0 – our favorite version of her yet – keeps making obvious pregnancy references, hoping to get Reagan to finally confess.
Reagan pivots by asking Tamica why she hates TBK (That Bitch Kelsey who dares to wear a bathing suit to a pool party), and Tamica clarifies that she doesn’t necessarily hate her, but just strongly dislikes her most-ness and overall sense of being. Cue the flashback of TBK from the night before, acting like her usual self.
Tamica calls out Reagan for pretending like everything is fine, and not showing emotion over her marriage coming to an end. And, duh, everything is fine, Tammy. I mean, she’s pregnant before her divorce is finalized, has the man-child baby daddy of nobody’s dreams, and just opened a kiosk at the mall for her knockoff jewelry. She’s living her best Reagan life.
I have to say, some might think Tamica is a not being a good friend right now, but I actually think she’s the only one that has been a good friend to Reagan by stepping up and calling her out on her crap. However, if this is really the life she’s always dreamt of, then maybe Reagan needs to refine what her definition of “fine” is, since she seems to be a little misunderstood. I don’t necessarily like the Cheesecake Factory, douchebag ex-boyfriends, or knockoff jewelry, so I guess different strokes for different folks.
Not so far across town, JonYe and Now Kind Of Cute Carrot Top are shooting hoops in Navarre, which is nowhere near where either of them lives. Jeff divulges that he was actually miserable in his marriage to controlling Reagan, and now that he’s officially been divorced for two days, he’s ready to get laid. JonYe, being the great friend that he is, is there for his buddy and ready to wingman. I genuinely love this bromance.
Back at Reece’s family farm, Reece is working hard. And, by working hard, I really mean pissing in a horse stable and then picking up a drink to further prove what a catch he isn’t. As if that was necessary. I feel like I just witnessed some sort of animal welfare violation, so someone please let me know who we should call about this. Either way, I definitely feel violated.
Kelsey and Reagan meet up for lunch, where Kelsey sucks up to Reagan (a quality she really admires in a friend) and they bond over Tamica 2.0’s mean girl tendencies. This is how every great friendship between two women begins – with a little ass kissing and a mutual dislike of someone. This should go over super well with Tamica, who is not at all possessive over friends and loves constructive feedback.
Barry and Tamica go to dinner, where Tamica dresses in her best 2007 Herve Leger bandage dress from Rent the Runway. This is where we learn that apparently there’s someone out there that still wears bandage dresses. At dinner, they shockingly eat gumbo and beignets, further perpetuating New Orleans stereotypes, and talk about all the things parents talk about when they get a night alone – their kids. They stay in the French Quarter for a “staycation,” but it’s really a vacation since they live so far away and actually had to travel to get there. There’s some post-coital imagery that we don’t need to get into, but, it’s safe to say, that their drought from last season is over.
JonYe takes Jeff shopping to continue his de-Reagan-fication, and further change his current wardrobe from Uptown prep to a member of the Brian Setzer Orchestra, whom you might remember from the late 90’s song “Jump Jive and Wail.” They go to the preppiest clothing store in town, Perlis, where I shockingly just learned that besides tuxedos and polo shirts, they sell bright tomato red shirts that are only appropriate for blinding people and a night out at the club.
Back at Reece’s family’s farm, Reagan shows up in full glam (as one does when they go to a farm) and ready for a surprise proposal. This guy couldn’t even prepare the scene before she arrived. He asks Reagan to look at some horses in a stall that he presumably peed in earlier, while he scurries over to dump rose petals all over the grass. Then, they walk over to the pile of rose petals like it’s a staged scene from The Bachelorette, where he gets down on one knee, takes out a ring box from the offensive purple bucket that previously housed rose petals, and proposes with Reagan’s grandmother’s ring. This only gets classier when uses the words “lock it up” in his proposal.
In her confessional, Reagan describes her reaction as, “I just blacked out. This is so fast.” To which I have to wonder why she felt like this happened so fast, but getting pregnant wasn’t. I can’t seem to follow their logic here, but, then again, this is the beauty of this show.
Anyway, she cries (as if this proposal was completely unexpected) and says yes. He then mentions he wants to have ten kids, so it’s a good thing they’ve already got a head start on that.
Cousin Jaren and TBK meet up for a walk down Bayou St. John, where he ambushes her with a Tamica intervention. Her voice was shaky, but agrees to have a sit down with her arch nemesis. Tamica arrives and Cousin Jared leaves them to have a chat and sort out their differences near the Bayou, where dead bodies can be disposed. Nothing really happens, except they agree to move forward as acquaintances. TBK grudgingly invites Tamica to her housewarming party, because the entire cast has to be there. Tamica agrees to not start drama. Something tells me that this is alluding to that not being the case.
Meanwhile, Reagan meets with pseudo-cute Jeff, fresh off a makeover session, for coffee and another ambush – to tell him about her proposal to Reece. He walks in looking like he just walked out of Abercrombie and Fitch, but little does the poor bonehead know what kind of announcement he’s about to get. She wastes no time and quickly tells him about her proposal, unceasingly smiling like the joker while he has a mild stroke due to shock. I felt like this scene lasted forever. Southern Charm really knows how to take the awkward, cringe-worthy scenes to the next level.
The best part is when Reagan asks Jeff if he’s ok (from his mild stroke), and he responds with, “I’m actually relieved. If I wanted you back, I would have come back for you already.” And that, ladies and gentleman, is when I realized feisty Jeff was coming out to play. I stan this. (Did I use “stan” correctly?)
Later that night, Reagan tells Reece that she met Jeff earlier to tell him about the proposal (respectfully, on camera for a television show, as one does). This scene is important, because if we didn’t think Reece was a d-bag before, then he definitely solidified it here. He gets weirdly insecure about her relationship with Jeff, and lets his true chauvinism flag fly when he belittles Reagan’s doorknocker jewelry business. Not that I am particularly impressed with her jewelry business (I know things), but that is no way to speak to your fiancé. This is particularly more offensive, because, so far, he has referred to his own job as “watching horses bang while getting high,” peed in the horse’s stalls, and has done a really impressive job at just being an all-around moron. So, no, you don’t get to speak to anyone that way, dummy. Sit down.
Moving on, it’s time for Reagan to announce her proposal to the gang. They all meet at the French Quarter for a haunted tour, which is something that’s always recommended for the tourists that they are. Tamica and Barry dress as Voodoo people, TBK and Justin dress as ninjas, and my husband would leave me if I ever even suggested that we do a couples costume for Halloween. Reagan and Reece dress as Cleopatra and Mark Antony, and Jeff coincidentally (or not) comes dressed as a gladiator, setting this up perfectly for someone to make a dumb comment. Unsuccessfully trying to sound smart, Reece makes some reference about how Cleopatra left Julius Caesar for Mark Antony, in some way insinuating that Jeff was the Caesar in this comparison (I suppose). I think it’s time for him to remove himself and go open a book, instead of doing a quick Google search. Also, did he just spill some tea by using the words “left him” in his not so subtle analogy?
Anyway, Reagan tells the gang about their engagement, which leaves the group speechless before giving the newly engaged couple an awkward slow clap. It was either congratulatory or a “bravo, you done messed up” slow clap. Either way, I give them a Nancy Pelosi clap for that announcement.
And now there’s no need for a haunted French Quarter tour, because that announcement was scary enough.