Southern Charm New Orleans Real Talk: Episode 5

Episode 5. Oh, EPISODE 5. I’m going to go ahead and say it: there were no slightly offensive luncheons, no Benny Poppins cameos and, most importantly, there was no fabricated tension. This week, the gang visits The Myrtles Plantation – another thing actual New Orleanians don’t really do. It was pretty uneventful, but I will try my best to make it sound like it was remotely interesting.

We meet (or, should I say, are reacquainted with) Jon’s “uncomplicated friend” Ty, who you might recognize as one of the nude models from Jon’s painting party a few episodes back. I actually didn’t, but still grateful for the flashbacks to refresh my memory. She’s “uncomplicated,” because they bang but otherwise calling her a girlfriend would be complicated, mostly for Jon and his other non-girlfriends like faux Kylie Jenner. Also, he still has his bank account and lack of a “consistent $10 million” as his reason to not commit.  Also also, he’s still a baby at 24, so I say: go on with your uncomplicated self, Jon.

Status: uncomplicated

Jon invites her to an overnight trip to The Myrtles Plantation, a haunted bed and breakfast, with the gang.  Like any other local, she was confused by this, but she’s tentatively going. Jon says he’s going because his “friends want him to.” I say it’s because it’s in his Bravo contract. But, like so many of these storylines, I guess the details aren’t important.

Justin and Susan (Tamica’s high school friend) go to Dookie Chase for lunch. The fried chicken made my mouth water, so here is your P.S.A. to go there soon. After my temporary blackout caused by fried chicken distraction, Susan invites Justin to The Myrtles sleepover, even though I am pretty sure the gang was already invited on the last episode at the swamp lunch.  He says yes again, although skeptically.

It was refreshing to hear Justin question his friends’ recent fascination with the supernatural, at this point.  At least he acknowledged that having your house blessed by voodoo priestesses, tarot card readings more frequent than teeth cleanings and overnights at haunted plantations aren’t normal things that people do, except for the ones on this exceptionally long commercial for New Orleans tourism.

Side note: did anyone see the commercial for the King Law Firm, featuring Southern Charm’s own Justin Reese? Justin looked more like he was reading from the phone book than promoting his law firm. I have to wonder what happened to the personality we see on the show. Maybe Bravo should step in and produce the next King Firm commercial. Just a thought.

Anyway, another thing that happens is Tamica and cousin Jared travel to another city that’s not New Orleans to visit his family.  It was the first time that Jared had seen his mother in person since coming out to his family and friends (and the handful of Southern Charm viewers.) It was a lovely moment in which Jared admits to his family that he is feeling like himself and confident again.

Kiss crawfish, not cousins

In a less lovely moment, Tamica also teaches us the term “kissing cousins” – something I wish I could unknow.  We learn that Tamica and Jared’s dads are second cousins twice removed on their grandmother’s side from previous marriages in a previous life.  Essentially, they are so distantly related that it would be socially acceptable for these cousin’s kiss, if Jared were straight. Moral of the story: know your family tree before dating in New Orleans, because everyone is related.

Reagan and Jeff both seek to get answers as they work through their marital issues. Jeff visits an actual professional, his therapist, and Reagan goes to everyone’s favorite TV voodoo priestess, Mama Odie. After all, of all the tarot readers in New Orleans, we can trust that Mama Odie is as real as the rich, New Orleans socialite Reagan isn’t. I bet we can guess which Charleston will have the most success.

Over in the French Quarter, Reagan is getting her tarot cards read, as no one does, and asks Mama Odie to completely invade Jeff’s privacy by asking questions about him. She also asks if their marriage will survive the struggles that he is facing but she isn’t, while she lives in a completely separate apartment from her husband. To Reagan’s disappointment, Mama Odie assures her that their marriage will be fine.

It’s the day of the road trip to The Mrytles, which requires a bus to take them because it’s in another city that’s not New Orleans. Jared, Susan and the booze wait for the gang outside of her house (or a house. I’m actually not sure.) Reagan shows up alone, reminding everyone that she is staying at HER French Quarter apartment without Carrot Top Bateman. Tamica pulls up, hopefully drunk, wondering why everyone is “conjugating” on the side of the road.  Justin and Jeff arrive in separate cars, as the gang congregates and drinks. Tamica continues to change verbs into different tenses. Reagan is less than excited to see her husband, which is way more awkward than Tamica’s recent obsession with grammar.

“Do we know her?” LOL

As the gang starts to pile into the limo bus, Jon arrives with his non-girlfriend Ty. No one recognizers her from the painting party, probably because she’s wearing clothes this time.  The girls warmly introduce themselves, completely forgetting that they had yelled at her and the rest of the ladies that were hired for the party just weeks before. We’ll blame that on the rage blackout, though. Everyone’s friends now.

So, they are all on the way to the plantation, drunk and having a good time when probably one of the most well timed incidents in reality television history happens. As they are talking about how this trip feels like the beginning of a horror movie, their limo bus has a tire blow out on the highway. I am not sure how the producers could have even manipulated that, but let’s just say this was divine intervention making television gold happen.

Possibly scarier than staying at a haunted plantation overnight, am I right?

They sit on the side of the road, and are joking about whether or not they should even continue with this trip to the haunted plantation. I am also wondering if I should continue, because this is when things start to get even more boring.  This leads me to realize that my idea of horror would be a scenario where I am stranded on the side of the highway, confined in a bus with these bone heads. I would personally rather hitchhike to a haunted plantation and sleep there alone than be stranded like this. But, alas, a knight in shining white mini van armor arrives to take the gang to get murdered (I mean, Myrtles), and I can stop thinking about my new worst nightmare.

They get to the plantation, where they take a tour and are each shown to their respective rooms. I have to wonder if any of these New Orleans natives has even been inside an old, New Orleans house before, because they are being too dramatic over basic things. I mean, Tamica is practically having a seizure because her room has multiple doors, and Reagan and Jeff are over here freaking out because a wine glass randomly fell off the nightstand. I have an unnecessary number of doors in my bedroom and hear things all the time in my one hundred year old house. That’s totally normal, right?

That night, they have dinner in the courtyard, and the creepy mansion tour guide warns them about the ghost kids. Spoiler alert: nothing happens. They actually spend more time talking possibly haunting than there are actual hauntings.

Then, the basically only tense (but not really tense) moment happens when Jon tells the gang that he will be partnering with Gian (she’s baaaaaaaack) to do an art show (I mean, create another opportunity to Single White Female Tamica).

Tamica obviously isn’t threatened by this at all. SHE’S FINE, GUYS. I mean, Just because Tamica has created in her mind that Gian wants to become her, and just because Gian has enough dignity to end a business relationship with Barry for saying the word (3 times, actually) that no one else has even heard him say yet, doesn’t mean that Tamica should have a problem with this. Lay off her, world.

Is that The Carlton?

Surprise. Someone hired a zydeco band to play for them after dinner. Tamica joins the band as their singer and lead washboard player, Sonny arrives to join the wholesome fun, Justin’s girlfriend Kelsey arrives without being personally attacked by Tamica, and we learn that they all have some really bad dance moves. Apparently, Jared stole his dance moves from Carlton Banks, and no one will be stealing Jeff’s jacket air out dance move, I can guarantee it. I can honestly say that I now feel more confident about having perfected my move of holding my drink in the air while I sway around like one of those inflatables outside of car dealerships.

In the next episode…oh, who cares? No one is actually watching. I’ll fill you in next week.

Adriana Lopez

Adriana Lopez is a New Orleans native and freelance writer. She has covered entrepreneurship for several prominent local and national publications, but is finally fulfilling her dreams of covering a Bravo reality television series.

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