I am sad to report that this is the second to last episode of Southern Charm, which makes sense because they’ve basically done every touristy thing possible, have neglected to bring Benny Poppins back and have exhausted the same three storylines over the past 7 episodes. Here’s a quick refresher:
Tamica has created in her mind that Gian, her arch nemesis, wants to skin her alive and wear her skin as a suit in an effort to Single White Female Tamica’s Life. The only problem with this theory is that Gian seems pretty successful already and has way more money than all these posers combined. It’s unclear what she actually does, but judging by the Mercedes G-Wagon, we can assume she’s good at it.
Meanwhile, Barry is still struggling with the consequences of saying the word we never heard him say at the doorknocker jewelry party. Gian is basically the only one who heard him say it, but had enough dignity to dissolve a business relationship with someone who could act like that in a public setting and, let’s not forget, national television. Lucky for Barry, no one watches this show so this alone won’t be the demise of any reputation he may actually have in New Orleans; however, his wife is doing a great job of that for him in real life.
Jeff and Reagan are currently living in different homes, while Reagan finishes law school. Reagan’s lawyer skills have come in handy while advocating for her French Quarter apartment, which keeps her away from her husband all week while he’s going through his own existential crisis.
Justin and Kelsey are having a totally healthy relationship while living with Justin’s parents, and somehow the contrived commitment-phobe storyline is still going strong.
Episode 7 opens with Reagan going back home to the Northshore after living in the French Quarter for the past three weeks, just in time to throw an Easter party in their backyard. She obviously couldn’t host it at her apartment, because how else would they fit the entire cast and their fabricated drama into such a small space?
Back in Metairie, Tamica’s back is out, so outlier friend Susan brings her some soup and a reality check. Tamica brings up some issues she’s having with her 8-year-old daughter, Rani. Susan attributes Rani’s issues to her mother’s color dysmorphia, as evidenced by a picture Rani made in school. Did anyone actually see this drawing? What ever happened to finger painting? Her drawing of her family looked like a 3-D rendering from a computer game, so I wouldn’t be so concerned about my daughter not getting the exact pantone color to match my skin tone, if she was already making Pixar characters on the computer. Anyway, I don’t think this has anything to do with Tamica and Rani’s issues.
In Covington, Jeff is picking up groceries for the Easter party. Bravo (as well as the handful of people watching) must have known this was the beginning of the end for the show when they realized they had several minutes of footage of Jeff grocery shopping for cheese. Now that reality shows require that their cast members only do the most basic of tasks, does this make me a qualified candidate for reality TV? My UberEats addiction and Instagram scrolling would make for some scintillating television content. Also, I CAN GROCERY SHOP LIKE A CHAMP ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, BRAVO!
Moving on. Justin comes to help with this epic grocery trip. I’ve heard from friends, who own weekend camps or have parents that live on the Northshore (because that’s how you do the Northshore, people), that this particular store legitimately has a great beer and wine selection. Yet, not one worthy of a trip across the Causeway. New Orleans may be close to third world, but there are plenty of good grocery stores on this side of the lake too, Justin, so no need to travel an hour to go shopping. Also, judging by the contents of the grocery cart, Justin and Jeff don’t know how to shop for a party or even pick out beer, for that matter.
Jeff tells Justin that Reagan came home only to throw a party, and that he’s hurt because she is spending her free time planning the party instead of spending quality time with him. However, he really shouldn’t feel that way about his wife, because, you see, she would also rather visit with her favorite TV psychic than spend time with him.
After mooching some free wine from the store’s owner like it was sample hour at Costco and wandering the aisles for like three hours, Jeff leaves with 2 6-packs of mediocre beer, cheese and some newfound resentment for his wife.
Over at Fuel Fitness, Barry is training one of his two clients, Cassie. Although, we learn that Gian has not returned to train with Barry since dissolving their partnership, so now Barry is training his only client, Cassie. He then tells his friend that he is suspicious of Gian’s new friendship with Jon, specifically with the fallout that happened after the doorknocker jewelry party. It’s obvious that Gian just wants some extra airtime so she can prove that she is actually NOT friends with this group of people.
Gian and Jon are touring a venue for their art party slash Tamica-Gian takedown we are all hoping for. Jon shows up wearing a shirt this time. I know for a fact that he was wearing one this time, because I now have a hot pink t-shirt with the words “World Changer” across it branded into my brain. Then, he explains that the reason he has partnered with Gian is because they are both dope people who do dope things to dope up this dope world. So that’s dope. In true New Orleans Kanye fashion, Jon decides that he is going to paint during the party from atop the roof of a shed. Can’t wait to see how this one plays out.
It’s the day of the Easter party. Reagan is manifesting a feast out of the beer and cheese Jeff bought on his excursion to the grocery store, the event company is setting up the shabby chic rental chairs to clash with the Tuscan-themed McMansion architecture for an extra basic aesthetic, Reagan’s mom brings a wedding cake over and Jeff is mopping the bathroom floor. It makes me wonder why these people can’t hire a cleaning service if they can hire a bartender, but I guess there wasn’t enough in the Bravo party budget for that.
Justin and Kelsey stop by the flower shop so that Kelsey can drop some not so subtle hints about marriage. While there, they also buy some flowers to bring to the Easter party. Obviously the flower shopping sends commitment-phobe Justin into a downward spiral. It’s a bit of a stretch even for this boring storyline, but the horror movie music playing in this scene was some of the best editing I’ve seen this entire season.
The guests start to arrive. Reagan, resembling Scarlette O’Hara in ASOS, is wearing an asymmetrical hoopskirt for some reason. Kelsey and Justin show up with their non-wedding bouquet and a teddy bear for Jeff. Susan would rather be at a crawfish boil. Same, Suze. Mr. World Changer shows up looking more like Mr. 305, wearing a suit and an unbuttoned shirt, and Gian….wait, WHO THE F INVITED GIAN?! Someone who wanted to make sure this show remained watchable for the second to last episode, that’s who.
The gang plays croquet, as no one does, and then they have an adult Easter egg hunt, before sitting down for dinner. The meal was pretty uneventful, except for Reagan’s Easter miracle of creating a feast out of the very few provisions Jeff brought back from the store. They all love each other, there’s some crying and my eyes rolled so hard that my eyeballs almost got stuck. THEN, Tamica and Gian have a conversation that I can only recap with a reenactment of my own, as presented by the script below:
Tamica: I’m Barry’s wife and I’m going to get involved in his business now, so I’m wondering why you guys don’t speak anymore…
Gian: Well, I thought what he did at the doorknocker jewelry was super trashy.
Tamica: But, he wasn’t talking to you when he said that word.
Gian: Well, I don’t want to do business with people who are going to act like trash balls and make me look bad. I worked too hard for that G-Wagon and all those placements on non-profit boards.
Tamica: You lack emotional intelligence, because you can’t separate your personal relationship from your business relationship.
Gian: Well, as a human being, I still have the right to separate myself from people who could make me look trashy and I don’t want to pay someone to be my trainer if he makes me feel uncomfortable.
Tamica: Now you’re friends with Jon. You must be an opportunist.
Gian: Have you seen my car and the purses I carry? What am I trying to get out of Barry and Jon?
Tamica: His fitness empire in the Metairie strip mall obviously.
Gian: I feel like this is really unprofessional, since I am your husband’s client. I think you are the one making things worse for him by being such a psycho, and getting involved in things that have nothing to do with you…
Tamica: Last I checked I’m married and you’re not. (actual quote)
Gian: At least I knew when my marriage was over. (Also, an actual quote)
Gian: exits stage left.
Moral of the story: don’t cancel your membership to Fuel Fitness or Tamica will come after you.
Sunday, on the season (probably series) finale, Justin moves in with his parents as he and Kelsey reevaluate their relationship, Gian cancels her gym membership, and Jon and Gian throw a party, where Reagan takes a pregnancy test. Classy. If you follow them on Instagram, you probably know how this ends.
Can we even hope for a reunion special, seeing as the entire season of Southern Charm lasted about the same amount of episodes as the Vanderpump Rules reunion?