So comes to an end the shortest season in reality television history, and not even the magicians of Bravo production could turn this content into anything more.
The series finale (I mean, season finale) opens up with this weird, artsy Photoshop transition. I can’t even explain it, but the scenes of the French Quarter changed to Tamica and Barry’s Metairie rental by way of a New Orleans flag painted in the sky.
Is this Bravo’s last attempt at making this show more exciting? Here are some things less convincing than that:
- Any of these cast members being mistaken for elite status in New Orleans
- Reagan Charleston as an attorney
- Me, ever wearing a doorknocker necklace
- The random, janky parade on episode one
- Anything on News With A Twist
- A $100,000 Jon Moody painting
- Tamica and Barry’s borrowed house
Back downtown at some random rooftop, New Orleans Kanye is swimming and painting simultaneously, whilst wearing some sort of compression pants or maybe a pair of my leggings. I don’t know. Does he know those are supposed to go under his gym shorts? I guess not, because he also doesn’t know that it’s appropriate to wear shirts in public. I totally get that he’s worked really hard on his bod, but we can tell you have muscles under your clothes, dude. We would even be able to see the muscles through a wool sweater, garbage bag or sumo wrestler costume, so no need to throw it out there.
Anyway, he’s swimming and painting in the New Orleans heat, as no one does. He claims he charges $10,000 for a live performance panting, which I think is an exaggeration in itself, but that’s also really far stretch from the $100,000 price tag Tamica claimed her painting was worth. Let’s also not forget that the painting was gifted to her. I am really enjoying his masterpiece of a half painted red canvas. It really speaks to me.
So, then he gets on a call with Gian just to add one more activity to this already confusing scene, and they start making final plans for their party. As it turns out it’s a Jazz Fest kickoff party of sorts, although there’s no such thing as a Jazz Fest kick off party and we can also tell that Jazz Fest has absolutely no affiliation with this event, nor should they. I am actually really confused by the meaning of this event, but I digress.
Meanwhile, the ladies meet for brunch at Petit Lion at the Troubadour. They legitimately serve a great burger there but the friends order cocktails instead, because you cant drink all day if you don’t start in the morning, am I right? Tamica brings up Gian again, making us wonder if she is just obsessed with her or something but obviously not because she’s threatened by another successful woman. No, not her. Her friends suggest that maybe they should talk it out, because they actually have more in common than they would like to admit. Tamica makes a mental note to find new friends immediately.
However, Reagan will remain a friend, since she suggested that Gian must be jealous of Tamica, to which I ask, “WHY?” Is it her Metairie rental? Or maybe her totally emasculated husband? Her hosting gig at a low rent local entertainment show? I can’t put my finger on it, but even their delusion baffles me. Yeah, Gian’s car costs more than her annual salary, but I’ll play along for the sake of making this storyline somewhat believable. I feel like I am starting to play make believe with these people, and I’m not even an active participant in this show – just a spectator. That’s not how it works, you guys.
Random thought: I wonder if they are all happy the season is over so they no longer have to wear doorknocker jewelry, or the weird fossilized bug Tamica is wearing around her neck in this episode?
So Tamica goes back home to talk about Gian some more, and tells Barry that her friends suggested that she speak to Gian. Monsters. What kind of friends do that? She tells Barry about her plans to find new friends if season two is going to happen. That part isn’t actually on the show, but it’s what I heard instead of the nonsense that was actually coming out of her mouth. In other news, Barry is wearing a t-shirt with #Beastmodebarry written across it, which makes me realize that he needs Gian’s business help more than he realizes.
So after 8 episodes of talking, Justin and Kelsey move into Justin’s parents’ house. Mom seemed confused, when they pulled up to the house with moving boxes. I mean, it was only 8 episodes ago that you had this conversation, Dottie. Maybe Justin needs to move in to care for his mother, but I can also see why maybe she didn’t think her employed attorney son was being serious about this.
So they move back into his childhood bedroom that has been converted into a guestroom, I assume, because I doubt Justin had a lavender sponge painted walls as a teenager. Kelsey finds Justin’s old shirts – an old bowling shirt, a kickball tee with black dynamite 69 on it. Why is THIS what embarrasses you, Justin? Also, hide the evidence if you’re girlfriend is moving into your childhood bedroom. You’re not married yet, so she can still run away when she discovers the real you.
The two get into a discussion about their relationship. It turns out that the renovations may take longer than expected, making Kelsey a little agitated because she feels like she’s just along for a ride on the Justin train without any real sign of commitment (and by real commitment, it’s the engagement ring she’s been not so subtly hinting). Mama overhears the conversation from the kitchen. Kelsey wasn’t even raising her voice at all, which means the house is actually the size of a shoebox or those walls are paper-thin. Either way, this can’t be good for their sex life.
Mom comes in under the guise of giving them some unlabeled Dasani water, presumably to save her precious baby boy from being told the cold, hard truth from someone who is not his mother. This is terribly awkward. She continues to stand there as Kelsey and Justin finish their discussion, as if to moderate and make sure she has her grown ass son’s back.
I am starting to think that Justin brought Kelsey on this show to make it his own personal couples survivor competition. Kelsey keeps having to survive these different obstacles like Tamica, an almost engagement at their one year anniversary and now living with the parents. I’m afraid poor Kelsey will have to slay a dragon before claiming the ultimate prize of becoming Mrs. Justin. I hope Justin gets her a monster of a ring, after all this.
Back on the Northshore, Reagan is cooking what she called gumbo, dressed like a 1950’s housewife. Reagan keeps talking about how much she loves cooking and everything about being southern, like being domesticated and loving flowers and pastries (like only Southerners are into that, Reagan?), and a little part of me wondered if she was putting out the feelers for her next husband here. Then, after news came out of her and Jeff’s separation on Monday, I knew this was definitely her audition tape for the next Mr. Reagan Bitters.
At dinner, Jeff mentions the pitter-patter of little children running around, causing her to almost choke on her food. I feel like they should have had this conversation before getting married, but I have a hunch that she never intended on making it this far in their marriage anyway. I don’t know Reagan (fortunately), but my observations are solely all based on the persona she has put forth on a reality television series. She’s also holding a Chihuahua like a baby and there’s a large dog walking around with a tutu around his neck, so I am going to go ahead and assume that her TV persona is, in fact, her actual persona.
It’s finally the night of the obligatory nondescript Bravo season finale black tie party. While Barry and Tamica are getting ready for the party, Tamica gets a phone call from Reagan telling her that she is late and could possibly be pregnant. They decide that Reagan will take a pregnancy test at the party since Bravo will be there filming, and they need to show the handful of viewers all the class they don’t have. I mean, no one should ever take a pregnancy test at a party after moving out of the trailer park.
Also, Tamica is checking out her husband like a piece of meat she just saw out at a bar. This is what we like to call foreshadowing, you guys, but I have to wonder if she’s been blind all season and just got the ability to see on the last day of filming.
Over at Justin’s mom’s house, Kelsey and Justin are getting ready and Dottie “I’m a cool mom” comes in to tell them to have fun at the prom and that if they’re going to drink she’d rather they do it in the house.
Over at the party, everyone is talking about how Reagan is late except for Jeff because he doesn’t know that they’re getting a divorce yet (I mean, that she’s late. Whatever.) Barry tells Jeff that he’s about to be a dad, just to make things a little juicier. Thank you to the brilliant producer who gave Barry that brilliant idea, because now I’m realizing that this show is just a series of really uncomfortable moments.
Then, we are blessed with a montage of New Orleans Kanye-isms. I wrote them down to make sure that we all heard them correctly:
“Believe 50% of what you hear, believe 100% of what you hear from Jon Moody” (This one should be embroidered on a pillow)
“Amateurs build the arc, professionals build the Titanic” (He does know how both situations ended, right?)
“To get bacon from the pig, you have to kill the pig. You’re not surviving that breakfast.” (I wish I knew the context of this one.)
“One butt can’t ride two bikes, and Jeff has a bike with no chain” (I don’t even know where to begin with this one, because it makes such little sense.)
The moment Kelsey called him out for making up such stupid and incorrect quotes is the moment Justin should have put a ring on her damn finger, because she’s a keeper.
It’s finally time for the Gian and Tamica takedown we’ve all been waiting for. Tamica finally takes Gian aside to……apologize and extend an olive branch. This is what 7 episodes and 39 minutes of this show has boiled down to, and it was just as disappointing as this entire show has been to New Orleans. In other news, it turned out that Reagan was not pregnant after the “Sixteen and Pregnant” crossover moment, Barry and Tamica played seven minutes in heaven in the same bathroom Reagan took the pregnancy test, Jon painted from the roof of a shed and I am baffled by what type of party this is.
I doubt this show has earned a reunion special, so I may have to create one entirely from my imagination for you guys since that seems to be congruent with the theme of this show. Ta ta!